While I don’t want to prescribe my self to a strict archetype or personality type, I think there is some truth to it. My MBTI is an INTP, and it has always been INTP for the longest time.
It’s extremely difficult for me to open up to someone and let my inner thoughts come out, and I tend to hide in my shell even more when someone tries to force it out. Also realised I am quieter at my new workplace, which is surprising because I thought I was already so quiet back at the Foundation.
I’ve been so used to analysing my surroundings and being okay in the sidelines, that putting myself as the main character in someone else’s life scares me. I’m always in my own world too when it comes to my free time, just alright by myself. I suppose I built a very tough exterior since that was all I knew when I stepped into the working world, or even way before that.
Operating solo has been a status quo. Of course, I do wonder from time to time how it would be like to be in a stable relationship with purpose. I have only been in a relationship once and it was rocky when it came down to discussing the real things like what we each foresee our future to be like, aligning our purpose in the relationship. He/the relationship did taught me a lot to be less judgmental and let the relationship build on naturally, but there were a lot of faults on both sides (him claiming to be “experienced” and I was the inexperienced one). Anyway, it was complete incompatibility and a learning lesson for me.
I must say that it does get a little lonely at times where I want to share my crazy ideas about the world with someone. I do have close friends that I share my whims with (thankful for my lovely ladies whom I have met at almost every stage of my life). But having someone who is closer than a close friend (other than my mother) is something I miss from time to time.
Though it sounds like I want someone to “save me” from my lonely self, it’s not like that at all. Again, it’s that intimacy. But I can live without it.
A lot of my friends are married, and quite a number have kids. My siblings too (both older) have kids of their own, so I got over the jealousy part of marriage and kids already. I’m okay with just being that cool aunt. Perhaps that jealousy wave will hit again when I’m older as I’m calculating my soon-to-end fertile season.
As I am typing this though, I did do quite a bit of reflection to come to this conclusion. After cutting off some toxicity in my life since 2024 started on the work and personal front and really narrowing down my circle of friends, I realised I have more time to spend with family. I also cut down on teaching to an absolute zero because it took a toll on me mentally. I wasn’t as passionate about teaching anymore and I didn’t want that negativity to trickle down to my students. I only have one volunteering commitment and I want to stay on for the case for as long as I am received. Dealing with people just opens up gazillion possibilities of how it can end so I’m just not fixated on solving anything except to just be present in her life.
I’m not averse to knowing someone. But it all boils down to whether the stars are aligned.
At the end of the day, if I end up single, I think I will be okay with being single.
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